Definitely Not What Jesus Would Do

For almost the last 2 weeks I’ve been dealing with a serious emotional struggle because of an experience I had or didn’t have depending on how you look at it.  I continue to question my judgement and quite frankly my human spirit.  This is one of those dreaded ‘what if’ situations that I’m going to have to deal with for an unknown amount of time, I just hope that it won’t be as a result of something tragic happening.

After picking up my son from school one day, we were on our way to do an activity we do often.  On the way, I saw a man sitting on the side of the road with bags, he was obviously homeless.  As I drove closer, I realized it was someone that I knew from high school.  In high school he was a star athlete, had a great personality, was very popular and a nice guy.  I had heard about a year ago that this person was homeless and that they suffered from a mental illness.  When I heard the news I was saddened but definitely wasn’t emotionally prepared for seeing him.  Here is someone that was a fierce competitor and physically strong, but now possibly just a physical shell of that person.  As I drove past him, I turned my head to not make eye contact.  I turned around (not because of him, but because I have to for where I was going) and in turning around thought about stopping to speak and offer some type of help.  But the first thing I thought was that my son was in the car and that I could possibly be placing him in harm’s way.  My second thought was not wanting to be a story you sometimes see on the news where a good deed turned tragic.  Yes, very selfish but real thoughts.  So I continued onto our destination.

Since then I’ve been riddled with feelings of guilt for not helping someone that needs help.  I’ve cried for being a fraud of the person I claim to be.  How would I feel telling  my son that I literally turned my head away from someone I knew that needed help?  If that were me and I didn’t have ‘control’ of myself, I would want anyone who knew me to help me.  

Since that day I’ve driven by that spot about 5 times in hopes of seeing him again.  

If I saw him again, do I have a plan?  No. 

If I could do it again, would I do something different? ……Probably not, and that is hard to admit. 

What scares me about this is one day reading or watching the news and seeing a story about him and having to live with that dreaded question…..WHAT IF I HAD DONE SOMETHING DIFFERENT?


2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Brandi Williams, APR
    Sep 22, 2010 @ 09:43:17

    This is a powerful. Don’t feel guilty just pride yourself on doing better the next time.


  2. Kindle
    Sep 22, 2010 @ 21:40:01

    Very thought provoking. If your actions were done out of malice then, there would be a problem but they were not.


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